The Akatsuki Organization Presents THE NUTCRACKER!
by Sapphire X Dreams
Summary: Exactly as the title says. Get ready for the Akatsuki in The Nutcracker, with Deidara as Clara, Hidan as the Mouse King, and Sasori as the wooden toy himself! Crackfic
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Nutcracker doesn't belong to me. Naruto doesn't belong to me either. Just this fanfic. ^.^

_Introduction_

Sapphire X Dreams: "ALRIGHTY PEOPLES! I'm Sapphire X Dreams and I'm bringing you THE NUTCRACKER... Akatsuki Style! Our characters are in the back changing into their outfits and getting their makeup done.

*Deidara walks onto the stage*

Deidara: "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE CLARA?!"

Sapphire X Dreams: "Um... I dunno. I just thought it would be funny if you were Clara.

Deidara: "I hate you. Hm."

Sapphire X Dreams: "Love you too, Deidara!"

Hidan: "AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE STUPID RAT KING?! JASHIN DOESN'T APPROVE!"

Sapphire X Dreams: "One, it's the _mouse_ king. And two, Jashin does approve. You're the evil one in this play/ballet."

Hidan: "Can you at least stop the makeup crew from trying to put a stupid mouse tail and nose on me?"

Sapphire X Dreams: "Let me think about that... no."

*Hidan glares fiercely at me.*

*Hidan rolls his eyes and walks off stage to get attacked by the makeup crew.*

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE! TAKE YOUR PLACES! WE"RE GOING TO START! Enjoy the show!" *waves to all you readers*

* * *

_Chapter One: The Christmas Party_

It was a snowy Christmas Eve night, and inside the Silverhaus'/Stahlbaums' household, a party was in full swing. Many children were running to and fro having a fun time laughing and playing.

A group of four people are laughing and talking with each other in a small corner of the room. The group included of a woman (the mother) a man (her husband as well as the father), a little boy (brother) and a girl (sister AKA Deidara)

Suddenly, a masked man counting money while carrying a rather large bag walks into the room. The group is easily hushed as the man walks into the center of the room. This man, is Herr Drosselmeyer. (AKA Kakuzu if you haven't already guessed). "Alright you brats. I've got some cheap gifts to give you. Don't be surprised if some of them are broken. I warned you they were cheap." Drosselmeyer replied and turned back to his money as crowds of children crowd around the bag.

Clara waits in a corner for her gift. Finally, all of the children clear and Drosselmeyer closes up the bag.

Drosselmeyer takes out three life-sized dolls. He gives them a disgusted look. "I guess these would sell for about 6,000 yen. (about 59 US dollars) He shrugs the thought off and then makes the three dolls do a very stupid dance. When he's finished, he throws them to any kid who catches them.

Clara stepped over to Drosselmeyer. "Hey Kaku-er Mr. Godfather person... Where the hell is my gift? Hm."

Drosselmeyer gazes at Clara for a quick second. Then looks inside the empty bag. "Seems like I don't have any more toys. Oh well. Better luck next year. And I'm NOT going out to go get anymore."

Reluctantly, Dei-er Clara, began to sniffle and then began to sob. She ran over to her mother and buried his head into her shoulder.

Drosselmeyer looks up from counting money, and spies a nutcracker that has a splitting image of our favorite puppeteer on the fireplace mantel behind him. "Uh... actually. Here's a present for you right here. Chosen specially for you."

Clara looks up from sobbing. "YOU LIAR! YOU JUST GOT THAT FROM THE MENTA- I mean..." The blond-headed girl looks intrigued at the toy. She quickly hurries over to the toy in the stitched godfather's hand.

The nutcracker is wearing a full uniform and smiling it's creeping strange-mouthed smile.

Clara smiles at the piece of jun- I mean the wonderful toy, and hugs it close. (rather reluctantly I should add)

From the side, the brother I mentioned earlier, glares at the toy. And in his head, he evilly thinks to himself...

_"Why didn't I get that stupid looking toy? Why do I even want this toy? Maybe I can put it into a genjutsu and break it." _(I think you know who this is) _"Then Deida-um... Clara will be heartbroken. Breaking a wooden toy that has the splitting image of Sasori. I am so evil." _

A wicked smile comes over the boy (AKA Itachi if you haven't already guessed. But in this play/ballet, his name is Fritz).

Fritz looked over at the toy with evil (Mangekyo Sharingan) eyes and the toy (somehow) breaks.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID?!" Clara yelled as the arm of the nutcracker fell to the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Mouse/Rat King... And His Army

"Why me, why me, why me, why me, why _me_?!" Drosselmeyer said hours later. The party was finally over and the place was semi-cleaned up. Everyone except for Drosselmeyer himself was taking refuge in their beds. Except Clara who is apt to sleeping on the couch.

Drosselmeyer snatches up the nutcracker, snatches up his arm and puts it back together.

Then he lifts the doll up then is about to throw it at Clara but reluctantly places it in his/her arm.

From the couch, a strong wind blew in through the open window. Clara wakes up and stares out the window. "I thought I closed that. Hm." Clara said and got up from the couch.

Suddenly, the grandfather clock from across the room struck midnight. The sound of mice (and cursing) filled Clara's ears. "What the hell is that? Hm." Clara looked around the room curiously. The mice continue to chatter, filled with fear, Clara frantically headed for the door.

"Are you kidding me?! I'd just blow them all up!! Hm." (Ahem! Deidara script please!)

"OH NO!! MICE!!!" Clara heads for the door but something blocks it. In front of the door is a mouse (AKA a **clone** of Hidan)

Looking up, Clara sees the Christmas tree is now enormous. It fills the entire room. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE, HM?!" Clara screams.

"Don't let the bitch get away!" The Rat King (Hidan) yelled drawing his sword and pointing it at Clara.

The army of evil mice began trekking towards Clara with their swords drawn. And Clara wasn't even taller than them?! What was going on?

Off of the mantel, the Nutcracker (Sasori) suddenly rose to life. The Nutcracker withdrew not a sword but a scroll. "Red Secret Technique, Performance of a Hundred Puppets!"

A hundred mini-puppets (the Nutcracker's army) appear. "Defend the bitch!" The Nutcracker yelled pointing at Clara with his sword now withdrawn.

"I heard that, Sasori! Hm!" (Script Deidara! Script!)

Review, please? =3


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three: The Flying Shoe_

The battles between the two groups were tough, and the both of the armies worked hard. Sweat and blood were both shed throughout both battles. But the most intense of them all was the Nutcracker against the Mouse King.

Clara tried to retreat from the group of mice that were chasing her. She began climbing up the enormous Christmas tree and looks down to see the Nutcracker has seized the Mouse King by his tail.

"LET GO YOU JASHIN-FORSAKEN MOTHER FUCKER!!!" (Hidan... language... Wait, who am I kidding, it's like telling a dog not to bark)

Clara glared down at the Mouse King. And with one swift movement, her pink slipper went whirling throughout the air.

"Oh, fuck." Were the Mouse King's last words before he got hit in the head with the shoe. The Nutcracker took out his sword and stabbed the Mouse King straight through his chest.

The rest of the mouse army gasped and hurried over to their fallen king. "THIS MAKES NO SENSE!! I'm immortal! I can't fucking die! And besides, what is this the third chapter?! I can't be "dead" already!"

Another shoe hurled through the air knocking the Mouse King out for sure, and the army carried him inside a small mouse hole in the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four: The Icy Kingdom _

**Author's Note: Alright, this is where the Barbie stuff comes in. I DON'T OWN THE STUFF ON THE BARBIE IN THE NUTCRACKER DVD!! I'd be too ashamed to. Anyway, on with the fanfic!!**

The battle was now proclaimed over and the Nutcracker was now injured. He saw his puppet arm left on the floor. And Clara was nice enough to pick it up.

"NO WAY IN HELL AM I TOUCHING THAT?! WHO KNOW'S WHERE IT'S BEEN?! HM?!"

The Nutcracker shot Clara a small glare, and Clara grabbed the arm and thrust it at him. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange owl flew from a clock.

"Hey, Dei- er Clara." The owl landed on Clara's shoulder. Clara took one look at the owl and her mouth dropped open shocked. "Pein?!... Um... I mean... A talking owl!" Clara pretended to sound shocked.

"Here, take this magic locket." Pein um... the owl rolled his eyes as he placed the locket around Clara's neck.

"WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR A NECKLACE TOO, HM?!... ur... I mean, thanks." Clara smiled. "Don't take it off or open it. If you do... uh... you'll come back here. "

"Why don't you want me to come back here, hm?"

"Uh... later." The Pein owl flew off and froze back on the clock.

"Great..." Clara rolled her eyes sarcastically. "You know I don't like to be kept waiting." The Nutcracker turned around tapping his foot. Clara turned around, and the two walked into the mouse hole.

In seconds, the pair was plunged into a strange icy kingdom. "What the hell is going on here?" The Nutcracker asked looking around at all of the snow.

Icicles fell from the ceiling, the floor was clear, crystal ice, and snow soared all around over the two. "Damn, why's it so cold, hm?" Clara asked rubbing both of her arms.

Suddenly, a sparkle began flying around in the air. "What the hell is that, hm?" Clara asked pointing at the trail of sparkles.

Just then, the two realized it was a fairy. The Sugar Plum Fairy. The Sugar Plum Fairy smiled at Clara. "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SEMPAI!!!!!!!!!!!"

Clara's mouth dropped open. "Oh... shit. Don't tell me..."

At that moment, many fairies came out and began dancing a very 'beautiful' dance complete with fireworks and 'fairy dust.'

In a second, the Sugar Plum Fairy was being stomped on by Clara.

"Just tell me where the stupid Rat King is! Hm." Clara yelled at the fairy. "Why are we looking for the Rat King?" The Nutcracker asked Clara.

"*cough, revenge, cough*!" The Sugar Plum Fairy coughed from the floor. He was answered by a kick coming from Clara.

"Go through that opening and through the snow..." The fairy pointed at a large opening a snowy wall.

"Thanks. Oh and Tobi, stop borrowing my fireworks. Hm." And with that, Clara stomped out of the opening in the wall with the Nutcracker following him.


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter Five: The Rat King's Plans _

All of the rat king's army recruits walked off into their dark hole in the wall. Their king was laying on a stretcher, cussing his brains out. He wasn't dead!

"Of course I'm not freakin' dead! I'm immortal!!" The Rat King yelled at the top of his lungs. "Oh, Dei-um Clara is going to get it when I find him.... her... It! The Mouse King jumped off of the stretcher and stomped over to a desk.

"I'm supposed to be trying to kill her right?" He asked to no one in particular. "I'll just hack her to pieces. Yeah, that's what I'll do." The Mouse King picked up his sword and swung it around. "But.... what about her boyfriend?" The villain shrugged. "He'll be firewood!!" A smile spread across the king's face. With that, he stomped out of the room leaving his lackeys completely and utterly confused.

Elsewhere, Clara and the Nutcracker had entered an unknown village. Snow was everywhere covering over the entire place in white. "Great, it's cold here too." The nutcracker looked around at the white ground. The two had been here for only about two seconds and they were already tired of walking. They had only been together for about two hours (including the time when the nutcracker couldn't move on his own) and were getting along perfectly.

"Stop complaining, Pinocchio, hm." Clara sneered at the living toy that walked next to him. The Nutcracker ignored the comment and continued walked towards a house made of candy.

Suddenly, out of the house sprang the rat king's army. "Get them!" One of the rat's yelled. All of the rats (clones of Hidan with tails and noses) attacked Clara and the Nutcracker.

In a second, Clara removed something from her pocket. A clay bird. With that, all of the army was blown to bits. (hey, this wasn't in the script!!)

Just then, the Rat King himself sprang out of hiding. "I'm going to kill you, you motherfu-" (script, Hidan, script!!) "I'll kill you." The Rat King replied with a glum look on his face.

With that, the Rat King sprang into action and attacked the Nutcracker.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter Six: Going Insane_

With one swift movement, the Rat King slashed through the Nutcracker, making him fall to pieces. "THERE!" The Rat King laughed maniacally.

And then, with another swift movement, and a spring in his step, the Rat King ripped open Clara's necklace.

Clara's face drooped. "Shit." And with that, she disappeared.

Sunlight fell on Clara's face as she looked around. It was morning in the Akatsuki base... um... Silverhaus'/Stahlbaums' home. Clara sprang upwards, panting.

Clara's parents, brother, and Drosselmeyer looked at her. "Where's the freakin' Nutcracker?" Clara replied, a bored look on her face. Drosselmeyer pointed at the doll that was in Clara's lap.

"It's fixed?!" Fritz gasped. Then the boy lunged to break the toy once more, but was held back by the mother. (Konan) "Why don't we have breakfast?" With that, Fritz was pulled into the kitchen.

Clara looked at the toy and then at the doorway. Standing there, was a man that looked like the Nutcracker. "What the fu-" (script, Deidara, script!)

The Nutcracker took one glance at Clara. "I'm supposed to spend Christmas with a gender-confused freak with mouth on her hand?" The Nutcracker told Drosselmeyer who was standing next to him.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" With that, Clara attacked the Nutcracker-looking Sasori, and they all had a Merry Christmas. Even the Rat King....

-_-_-_-_-_-

"At least I don't have to spend it with Kakuzu." The Rat King propped up his feet. "Instead, you get to spend it with the Sugar Plum Tobi Fairy!!!!" The Sugar Plum Fairy pranced into the room.

The Rat King turned pale as The Sugar Plum Fairy hugged the villain. "I hate Christmas."

OWARI!!


End file.
